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Fun Stuff > Texas Legends & Oddities > Texas Liars
TEXAS LIARS
Speakin' of Texas Liars
Speakin' of liars, the braggadocios of Texas can put in
there claim for more of ‘em than any other state under the Sun. The Texas Piney
Woods, the great Texas Barren Plains, the rustic Texas Hill Country, the arid
austere West Texas Wastelands, the high energy Texas Metropolitan Centers and
the salty Gulf Coast of Texas seems to stimulate a Texan's imagination.
Texas braggarts ain't vicious liars. Theirs is the love of romance, lack of
time for pleasure and the wish to be entertaining that makes ‘em stretch Texas
facts and invent Texas yarns.
Maxy with Gary Wide Tie Fancher who is one great Texas Story Tellers!
8-Feet of Antlers
Jimmy-Dawg Mulrat a well-known Texas old timer now living in Whitney, Texas,
tells of a man known as Lying Mulligan, who was famous from Lubbock to Laredo
for his Texas tall tales and lies.
Jimmy-Dawg said, “One of Mulligan's favorite tales
is of a Big Texas White-Tail Deer he once killed that measured an 8-foot
spread between the antlers. He used to tell that he kept the horns in the
loft of his hunting cabin.”
“One time I hadn't seen Mulligan for years,” says Jimmy-Dawg, “when he shows
up at Patty's Pub, a well known watering hole, down in Houston, Texas. The
crowd's all glad to see Big-Liver, and after a round or two of drinks, asks
him to tell ‘em one of his famous Texas yarns.”
“No, boys,” says Mulligan, I'm through. For years I've
been tellin' these Texas Tall Tales and lies…. Told ‘em so often I got to believing ‘em
myself. That story of mine about the Texas White-Tail Deer with the 8-feet
horns is what cured me. I told that story ‘bout that Texas White-Tail Deer
so often that I knew the place I killed it. One night I lit a candle and crawled
up in the loft to view the horns… And, damn, there they were! “Gosh,
boys we need to send that boy a few Texas
Cards, Congratulations
Cards, Animal Cards or
a least a Hunting Christmas Card with that Texas White-Tail Deer on ‘em.” –Says,
Jimmy-Dawg Mulrat.
Click "Santa's Bull" Cartoon to view Texas Christmas Cards!
The Texas Fish-Boning Machine
(Told by “Dizzy” Bob McCarroll tying to sell
his newfangled Texas Fish-Boning Machine to his good friend Stewart “Ducky
Log-Jam” DeVore.)
“See hear! Duck, I got something amazing for you to see,
today? I've got a new machine for picking the bones out of them fishes. Now, I tell
you it is the doggone craziest thing you ever did see. Duck, this machine beats
anything that's a going. All you have to do is to put it on the table and turn
the crank, and the fish flies down your throat, and the bones right the other
way. Well, Duck, there was this fellow from Texas A&M University that got
a hold of it the other day, and he got the turning the crank the wrong way, and I tell you the way the bones flew down that fellows throat couldn't be
beat. Why, Duck, it stuck the fellow so full of fish bones that he couldn't
get his shirt off for a whole week." “We probably should
send that Texas Aggie a Get Well
Card?” –Says, Ducky Log-Jam. “No
way, says Dizzy, well send him some Texas
Christmas Cards with a Cartoon of
a Longhorn Steer on them."
Crazy ‘Bout Whiskey
(A true story about Ricky “Tonto” Ward and David “Kink” Johnson
told by “Big” Roy Anderson )
Big Roy said, “Some folks are crazy for whiskey!” Last
week, Over in Fort Worth , Texas , I ran into kink and he told me about how
he had seen Tonto the week before and that Tonto was driving one fine looking
Caddy Convertible. Kink told me that Tonto saw his quart of Whiskey that he
had under his arm and started licking his lips like his mouth was dry. Tonto
started pointing at his Caddy Convertible and at Kink's Whiskey trying to cut
a little Texas trade. I swear to you, according to kink he was offering his
Caddylak for Kink's Whiskey and he was throwing in his feathered Stetson as
well! Can you believe it? I swear that he wanted to give Kink the finest looking
Caddylak that he said he had ever seen with a fine feathered Stetson to boot.
Hell, Kink could have sold the Stetson by itself for more than a hundred dollars.
A Caddylak Convertible and a feathered Stetson for a quart bottle of hooch
that didn't cost kink a cent more than twenty bucks! Craziest damn trade I
ever heard of and I ain't likely to run by one like it again.” Big Roy, asks
Kink, “Where's
the Caddy Convertible?” “I didn't make the trade,” Kink snarled. “Why not?” Inquired
Big Roy! “Hell, Big Roy, it was the only bottle of whiskey I had on me.” "I
would have traded for that Caddylak Convertible in a New York minute and then
sent Tonto a few Friendship
Cards and Sorry Cards." –Says, Caddylak
Maxy.
Click "Texas Cowgirl" Cartoon to view Texas Birthday Cards!
Doc's Fishin' Trip
(A true story or so it goes when Lance Utterback tells
it!)
Doc Rogers and his old College buddy Lance Utterback were out on Padre Island
a fishin' when Doc has to go to the bathroom. Since there were no facilities
available, he had to squat down behind a small sand dune. Unfortunately he
didn't notice a coiled rattler (Ole No-Shoulders Bob) nearby and no sooner
had he dropped his shorts than he received a painful bite squarely on the rump.
Doc screamed in pain and call for old Utterback
to get a doctor. Utterback ran back to the pickup truck and drove to the
nearest phone to call for medical help. After hearing the situation, the
doctor said someone would have to immediately lance the wound and suck out
the poison. “If you don't do it.” The Doctor Said, “your
friend will surely die.”
When Utterback gets back to the fishin' spot, Doc was getting anxious. “What did the Doctor say?” He asked.
“Doc,” Old Utterback replied. “I'm afraid the Doc said your gonna Die.”
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Texas Liars page is constantly being updated.
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Last Update: Tuesday May 27, 2008 05:50 A.M.
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